The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)

There's a saying in the UK that somethings are 'Marmite' (the name of a sticky brown food paste, for those who don't know). Some people love the stuff, some people hate it. There's not really an inbetween feeling for it. This Marmite/love it or hate it feeling extends beautifully to the Human Centipede trilogy, the final installment of which is being reviewed here.

Personally, I loved the first two HC films. Yes, they were trashy, nasty, cheap and sometimes made you want to vomit a little into your own mouth, but they were also original and quirky, plus sometimes trashy and nasty aren't necessarily bad things!

Sadly, the same can not be said of the Final Sequence. Whereas Director Tom Six tried and, in the most part, succeeded to make us feel sick to the pits of our stomachs with the first two films, it seems his unquenching thirst to shock has backfired with the third film, which moves from original and nasty territory to 'meh, seen it all before but done better'. Yes, it includes its share of shocks and gore, but for the most part, Six's attempts to sucker punch us fall flat. Take for example (and I'll make it as vague as I can in an attempt to avoid spoilers) a scene where a guy stabs another guy in the side and proceeds to rape him in the wound. No doubt this was meant to be disturbing but, as I sat and watched it, I was actually thinking to myself 'Crash did the whole wound fucking thing so much better back in the late 90's ...'

In HC2, Six attempted to play with the realms of reality by making the film follow someone who was obsessed with the original and decides to re-enact it on a much grander scale, in the 'real' world. This was quite a clever twist and worked rather well, but in playing on this again in HC3 and making someone who watched the re-enactment in the second film attempt to re-enact it in their 'real' world, it just makes the whole premise dizzying and ludicrous. Six even attempts to make this film even more real-world by chucking himself in, as himself, to advise on the process of making the Human Centipede. Are you lost yet? Don't panic, the actual idea is simpler to follow and a lot less interesting!

As a fan of the original HC films, it's with a real heavy heart that I slight the final addition to the trilogy, but I guess, like The Matrix trying to cling on to its originality in a fast changing cinematic world, the only way Six could have succeeded with part 3 was to try and up the gross-out scale to 11 (a little Spinal nod there for ya!) but what we actually get is a ludicrous parody of the original films, which serves less like a end to a 'Sequence' and more like a spoof version of the original (just less Scary Movie, more Meet the Spartans!).

There's Bootleg DVD covers and then there's ...

Gingerclown

Occasionally a film comes along that is such an absolute stinker you have to start blogging about it before it's even finished. Welcome to Gingerclown! For a start, what a God-awful title for a movie ... but I was willing to over-look that with a cast list including Tim Curry (sounding like Pennywise the Clown), Lance Henrikson, Michael Winslow, Brad Douriff and Sean Young - I mean, that's one hell of an ensemble so it can't be all that bad right? So, so wrong.

In super-speedy summary style to not waste time, a group of jocks coerce a nerd into going into an abandoned theme park to win a kiss from the head jock's girl. Obviously the theme park isn't abandoned - it's full of creatures from the underworld. That's pretty much it. What sets this film aside form hundreds like it with very similar story-lines is just how mind-meltingly awful it is! As already mentioned, the story is terrible and frankly makes very little sense. The acting (from the unknowns in the cast who also happen to play the main characters) is beyond atrocious! I'd swear that most of them must have wandered up on the first day of shooting and been given the roles without anyone actually checking they can act. As for the script, I actually found myself rewinding some scenes to hear the dialogue again as I honestly couldn't believe it could be this bad - "This whole god-damned place is the brain child of your sick mind" ...

The 'special effects' and creatures are truly laughable, they look like they belong on the set of Sesame Street, not in a horror film (don't get me wrong, I much prefer reality to CGI any day but this film actually makes me wish it had been CGI'd!). As if all that wasn't enough, every aspect of this film seems to have been covered by complete amateurs. The cast move from scene to scene and get cuts and scars, despite having not actually been in any scrapes in the previous scene. The main actress turns slowly towards the camera in (I guess) what is meant to be a dramatic moment and she turns to the side opposite to which the light on her is shining, resulting in her arm and leg being lit and her face (which I can only assume was trying to express fear or pain or anger or the need to use the toilet) is in complete darkness and the moments falls flat. At one point the director actually tries to scare us by having the actress attacked by arms in rubber gloves ... that's it. Seriously.

But, I hear you cry, what about Tim and Sean and Brad and Michael and Lance? They must help drag this turd-fest back to life?? Nope. They each have about 30 seconds in the film and only their voices over the terrible rubber puppet monstrosities. This is as blatant an example of using a big star's name to boost a film (even if they're not actually in it) as you can get!

I could literally go on and on and on about how bad this film is but I think you get the picture. Please take this post as me begging and pleading with you not to waste your time even considering watching this film. Go do something more productive like sort out your sock draw or clean the oven instead. You'll be sorry if you don't take heed!

Sequel posters that were never made but absolutely should be!

Porcelain Presence - 'Why should you support independent film' Video.

Take a quick look at this great video 'Porcelain Presence Official Support Video - Why Should You Support Independent Film?' A great video jam-packed with supporters, from all around the world, talking about why WE should support Independent Film. The video also includes your very own film Blogger from this very site. Enjoy, pass on, share the love for IF!

Zombeavers

Today's long overdue return to blogging sees the review of the totally bizarre and hilarious Zombeavers. 3 sorority sisters, a slut, a nerd and a cheated on bag of nerves, travel to a cabin in the woods for some R&R and time away from their significant others. Out front of the cabin is a beautiful lake with it's very own beaver dam ... but these aren't just any old beavers, these are radioactive waste mutated zombie beavers!

Okay, so if you go into this movie expecting big-budgets, oscar-worthy scripts or anything other than a good helping of T&A on show then you're going to be disappointed. If you're after bat-shit crazy puppet zombie beavers, a decent amount of skin and some so-stupid-it's-funny lines of dialogue, then you might just have picked up the right film to fill under 80 mins of your time.

This film is a proper throw-back to the ludicrous plots of the 80's and 90's when the film didn't have to make any sense, you just had to take your willing suspension of disbelief, screw it into a neat little ball and toss it in the trash, then sit back and laugh and cringe in equal measures. The effects range from poor to decent and, occasionally, actually pretty good. The third act is ludicrous and OTT but it doesn't really matter as we'd already chucked that disbelief away long ago.

Zombeavers is a great little inventive and original movie, which suffers at times from it's cliched lines and occasional slips of acting skills, but the pretty girls, screw-ball wood-chompers and easy to manage run time make up for its downsides. Zombeavers is the sort of film that will appeal to frat boys looking for something to fill a hazy evening, low budget film aficionados and those who just like something out of the ordinary. 

David Warner test Freddy Krueger make-up!

Absolutely amazing - David Warner ("The Omen", "TRON", "Titanic") was the original choice for Freddy Krueger in "A Nightmare on Elm Street" (1984) but had to drop out due to scheduling conflicts, at which point Robert Englund was cast. Here are two early make-up tests before he passed on the role.